Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Is everything ok, babe? You haven鈥檛 even touched your eppe
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Rt to bother an English speaker
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 馃グ馃グ馃グ
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 馃ぃ
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Movies didn鈥檛 prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Order here:
More here:
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I鈥檓 saying is I鈥檝e never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can鈥檛 get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don鈥檛 yell at me. You need a taco.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”