@ANNIEwayyyy: Sorry I thought your older sister was your daughter and then made everyone else at the restaurant guess your age.
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@EvansPosts: "You're gonna hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late" jokes on you im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what
@panmidwest: [introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers] ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
@SirEviscerate: Ugh, I'm starting to regret getting bangs. "You don't have bangs." Wait, what's that thing you get when a bat bites you? "Rabies?" That's it
@Quartzjixler: The cashier wasn't impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said "Keep the change" from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.