*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
You Might Also Like
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
My inexpensive home security system…
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?