Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
You Might Also Like
Every damn time
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Teach your children to beatbox
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.