Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
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[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Are we there yet?…
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.