Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
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Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”