Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Anyone really
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.