Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
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me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!