Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
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“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Best table by far
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.