Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
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Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…