Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
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#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.