Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
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*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Cats are still liquid.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?