Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream