Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
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I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
twitter users today:
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
(yawn)
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course