Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.