Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.