@Midgetspar: Sorry I'm late. My dog ate my car.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [watching "Cinderella"] 5-year-old: Why does she keep cleaning the floors? Me: Her stepsisters make her. 5: She should just buy a Roomba.
@megankcomedy: I like to eat spaghetti with my hands so people don't even have to ask how I'm doing
@AnkCoupleTO: Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa Her: I'm so sorry, are you upset? M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let's call it even