Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
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I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
me hitting on a model
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
me working on my assignments ^-^
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.