Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
how high up are we talkin’?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
emergency phone
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
this is how life feels
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.