Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
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11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.