“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
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In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh