Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
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[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.