if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
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Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
good for her
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)