“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
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Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
A Short Story.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks