Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
You Might Also Like
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My work here is don’t.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Still cracks me up
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me