@MensHumor: Sorry, sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours.
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@AmericanGent69: Wife: You'll never guess what I got you for your birthday. Me: A 3-way with your sister? Wife: *storms out Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
@LeBearGirdle: Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me. McDonald's cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
@Sammart123: Obama: Didn't think he'd be late Biden: I gave him the wrong address Obama: Joe he's the president-elect Biden: idgaf what they call him
@Brianhopecomedy: My 2 year old woke up. 5 minutes of "Mommy!" 5 minutes of "Mommy?" Said "Daddy?" one time & my wife said, "You should go check on her".