[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.