@IRLPepperMD: [911 call] IM GETTING EATEN- *pause* Ok one sec. *holds phone away from mouth* Are you an alligator or a crocodile? *pause* Cool. ITS A CRO-

@Spaziotwat: Deodorant? I've never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

@pungodly: Doctor: are you sexually active? Me: I usually stay pretty still.

@tangledteatime: Me: Am I your only friend? Imaginary friend: Sure are! Imaginary friend's imaginary friend: Wow, I'm right here.

@AbrasiveGhost: [torturing terrorist] [plays EDM] [beat rises] [beat keeps rising] [beat rises endlessly] Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I'LL TELL U ANYTHING