@HeyZeus666: Anyone who doesn't believe in life after death has never walked away from a lousy job.

@peaceintruth1: I'm at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don't have to touch the handle.

@DamienFahey: If Leonardo da Vinci posted the Mona Lisa on Instagram today, it would get 30 likes, tops.

@spacej_me: Some people have sex to make a baby but I prefer the old fashioned way of capturing a wild baby, and that's how I ended up in jail

@TheMichaelRock: 6yo: I can't wait to be an adult! Me: Adults don't get snow days. 6yo *faints*