Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what