Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?