Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
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I ate everything, including the H.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
LMAO.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’