*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
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The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.