bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters