Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
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if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Best mom ever 😂
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”