Monday
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Google Pay be like:
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda