Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
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Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
#Caturday
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My dog ate my work from home.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine