Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
50 shades of grey = my Liver