[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
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Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
*seductively corrects your posture*
O Wise One….
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation