Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
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Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
got so much cardio in today
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?