Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’m a self-made hundredaire
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
This will never not be funny to me.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Always…
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi