Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
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Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.