[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Tuesday
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.