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@Vodkantots: When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
@T_Bonezzz_: Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy HP: ..
@HappyHijabbi: *Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt* This one doesn't listen anymore...Can I get a new one?
@wife3kidsnodogs: Wife: I'm hungry! Me: I'll order pizza Wife: YOU THINK I'M FAT! Me: *whispering* Has it been 28 days already? Wife: WHAT?! Me: what what??