*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
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Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Barbie gone wild
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Botany good plants lately?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??