Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
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[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
get you a girl who
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
U talkin 2 me?
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Happy thanksgiving
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.