Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
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I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I have never related to a cat more
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*