Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
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Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*