[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Who did it better?
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.