I’m being attacked š
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Every time I talk about milk, I clarify ānot breast milk.ā Itās unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
āMommy never mind Iāll ask you later when youāre not scooping the phone out of the toilet.ā
– My current favorite child
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Happy Thanksgiving
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Why isnāt Missouriās state motto āMissouri loves companyā ???
Overheard my daughterās friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because heās embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
āSugar weāre going down swingingā used to be a cool song. Now itās what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Apparently itās 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCardĀ®.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
4-year-old: Weāre playing Star Wars. Iām a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.