[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
This is the one
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.