God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
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A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
It’s a gift
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”