[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
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I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Wednesday
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.