Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
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I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
When someone says you are so lazy
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?