[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
That’s a good costume, I hope.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
saving face 👀
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!